Friend

I’m not very good at making friends.

These days, my excuse is that I’m old, I have kids and we’ve moved so much. (Since we got married 15 years ago, we’ve lived in 11 homes in 7 states)

But, really, I’m just bad at making (and being) friends.

I was thinking about this today because we’re on a road trip during which I get to see my oldest and dearest friend. We met waaaaay back in 8th grade. Lemme see…more than 25 years ago!!

Thankfully, she befriended me and for some reason, I never managed to push her so far she left. It really is pretty amazing – I’ve never been an easy friend. One major reason: I keep trying to kill myself.

I mean, that CAN’T be easy! I’ve never been on that side of the fence, so I don’t know, but how do you stay friends with someone like that?

I’ve also never learned how to communicate. I have no idea how to talk about personal things or much of anything beyond the day to day happenings.

Luckily, my friend remembers that I can have a sense of humor. I’ve had times of silliness, and possibly even serious moments that didn’t revolve around my own mental health.

I’m lonely for my friend, and wish I knew how to forge a new friendship that doesn’t have 1000 miles in between. I know that type of friendship is rare and I’m not looking for a replacement.

One of the things I’m going to work on this year is putting my energy in to people beyond the four walls of my home and beyond myself and beyond selfishness.